A Letter To My Step Sons’ Mother.

A Letter to My Step Sons Mother
Hello!
I know we don’t talk much, and we’ve only met in person once, but i wanted to reach out to you and see how you are doing. You’re son seems to be doing great. Man, he is getting big, becoming more handsome by the minute, and we sure do miss him. You had your second child 12 days ago.. she’s precious. I know this because i’ve found myself in an unhealthy habit of checking in with you by scrolling through your many Facebook posts, saving pictures of him when I can so that he doesn’t seem so far away, and praying for the courage to reach out to you personally.
I have many questions, questions in which i would love to ask you woman to woman, only with the satisfaction of receiving a honest answer. Maybe thats why i have yet to send that message striking up a casual conversation, because deep down i know if i was honored with a response, it would be far from the truth. So I’ll start here.
I fell in love with your sons’ biological father. I knew of you both before i was even a blimp on your radar. Obviously, he feels different types of ways about your situation, but what you may not know about me is that i am a realist. I understand and accept that each situation has 3 sides. In this particular situation i know there is his side, your side, and the cold hard truth. Typically, most people around our age are entitled, and feel as though everyone owes us something, somewhere, and this holds back from the ability to own our truth and actions. I own the fact that this may not be any of my business, and that i could be jumping over huge boundaries, potentially driving a bigger wedge between your relationship with your sons’ biological father, and the truth. My argument is that on February 12th, i committed my entire life to your ex, and predominately securing my place in his life, and now yours. Technically, giving me a new title i was once so excited to gain, step mom. My life from that day forward is directly effected by your situation, and i have found that recently it is killing me little by little, because i have to bite my tongue and suppress my personality by refraining from speaking my mind.
I don’t feel it is important to go into detail about my husbands side. It is irrelevant. I do want you to know however, he has never spoke ill of you, and continues to stick up for you when his family expresses their frustrations about the current situation we have with you and your son. Actually, after mentioning that, their frustrations are more frequent now a days with the new addition to the family. Thats right, your beautiful son has a cousin! I know you may have seen that on Facebook but he’ll be 2 in July, and is a walking clone of your little guy. They would be so cute to get them next to each other, and watch them interact. I pray for that moment everyday, but don’t worry, i wont hold my breath considering my husband and i are the only 2 people in his family who have met your 5 year old son in person.
There is some bitterness, and jealousy i need to address. I want you to know, i don’t think you are a bad person, or a bad mother. I respect you, and honestly would love to get to know you on a deeper and more personal level, and you to know me. I want to see if we can connect, or even develop some kind of friendship within the crazy mess. Maybe then i can try to understand why you have made the decisions you have. I also understand that a lot can change in 5 years time, and maybe some of the decisions and choices you made back then, would be different now if you were given the chance to re-do some things in your life, and maybe not. That is left to the game of what if. When we met 3 years ago, it was awkward. I was still very new in my husbands world, and i can only imagine how nerve racking it is to have a strange woman walk into the room and into your sons life. With that statement, leaves some pretty hypocritical thoughts in my head. Considering you were married to another man when you became pregnant with your son, and from there we have 2 other guys believing to be father figures in his life, not including my husband, and current active father figure, or step father. I also want to point out that having me walk into his life that day, was only for a 48 hour time frame, because we haven’t seen or spoken to him since.
On our trip, we met your new boyfriend. He is nice, and interacts well with your son. Now he is the biological father to your new addition, and is the active father figure in your sons life now. I think that is great. Another fun fact about me, I was raised by my father and step mother. She took me in, and taught me so much about being an adult, a female, and decent human being teaching me basic daily skills, and providing me with wisdom to reference later in life. She is the reason why i think step parents can be amazing gifts from god in a Childs life. They are people who choose to love a child that isn’t biologically their own, raising them as if they were, and giving them another support system. I wish i could play a role in his life, and that we could partner with you both in raising him. I know i would be a great step mom, and fall more in love with him each day by seeing your updates via social media.
You both are doing a great job. He seems to have a huge heart, and kind presence. Your families truly adore him, and spoil him rotten. I love watching videos of him talking, with his southern accent and wide vocabulary! It does break my soul knowing he has a whole other support system, and family here in the frigid state of Minnesota that he knows nothing about. Why? What was that decision process like? Did you make a list of pros and cons as to why you wouldn’t tell him his biological father, and family lives in Minnesota. You communicate with them via Facebook, and most recently the conversations were more than friendly. Even so much as telling my mother in law you would give him a hug and kiss from her. You also don’t hesitate to provide an address to us around holidays and Christmas, so we can send his gifts. Do you tell him who they are from, or do you say its from you? Is it a control thing? Did you plan to tell him but never found the right time? Why can’t they meet him? We’ve all offered to pay for airfare and hotel rooms for all 4 of you, as well as meals and fun activities. An all expense paid vacation. I understand Minnesota isn’t the prime destination for a vacation, but being you live in Florida, it could be fun! Maybe now that you have your little girl, you will reconsider. I know you have a happy little family with mom, dad, and kiddos, but its 2017 and split families are normal and rewarding. You have 4 extra hands waiting to help you out, and a line of extra babysitters, and supporters. It is 100% possible for your little boy to grow up knowing his has 2 loving fathers, who support him, and can maintain a friendly relationship. Nothing could replace the influence that could leave on him, and i know my husband would never take away your boyfriends role. We are good people, with no other agenda but to love and cherish your son as much as you and your families do.
Each side to a situation runs along the same plot line, but holding different variations of it by how the person processes the information, and ultimately how they react to it. The plot line here is pretty self explanatory. 2 young kids accidentally became pregnant on the first night they spent together. Not knowing what to do, or how to handle that big life change is where your perceptions changed, and split at the fork in the road. You stayed together for some time, and my husband was able to be an active role during his infant years. I know those years replay in his mind every day. From there, things changed for the worst for us. Decisions where made, and time has past that we will never get back. Words were exchanged, and feelings were crushed. Fast forward 5 years, and we get to watch an amazing little human grow through social media behind our computer and phone screens. The memories we have are limited, and for some of us just pigments of our imagination. You are one lucky mom. You get to have 100% of his memories up until this point of his life. Your boyfriend, and father to your children is a good man, and even though it may not mean much to you, i appreciate him. WE appreciate him. Your families are amazing and the best around, spoiling him, and letting him know every single day that he is an amazing kid and most importantly that he is loved. That is a true blessing.
I may be crossing a line, and this may come off as bitchy and nosey in some cases, but my main goal is to know why. I want to know why it got to this point, and if there is anything we can do to change the situation. His best interest is top priority, but keeping us a secret isn’t fair. We have so much love for you and your entire family, and we just want a small slice of what amazing moments you get to experience with him. I am not robbing your of your feelings, or hardships with in the situation because in a sense you were a single mom. I’m sure you’ve had moments of anger and frustration, but here is your time to explain those feelings and decisions. I want you to know this is a non judgmental opportunity to speak your peace if you wish, level set with me, and hopefully we can come to a mutual understanding. An understanding that probably wont change the situation over night, if at all, but ultimately opens the doors of communication. I know you update my husband when he messages you weekly, and fill him in on your sons current obsessions and hobbies. He worries not only about him, but you as well. He has such love and respect for you still to this day, and i hope you recognize that. Why update him and fill him in, but keep him from us at the same time? Is it in hopes we wont go to court? Keep your friends close, enemies closer? In all custody cases, what most of the problems boil down to are child support, and emotional well being. Right now, emotionally he probably wouldn’t handle all this news at once, and I’m aware of the financial status, and agreements you both made, and both failed to follow through on, so taking all of those excuses off the table.
I don’t know if you will ever read this, or if you will even care about it. I pray you do, and i pray that someday things will change. Please remember if you ever need anything, we are here. I am here. I keep my phone on, in hopes one day you reach out, even if it is for something small. There are so many questions running through my head, and i just want to know your side for no other reason but to try and understand. To be an additional outlet if you choose to use it, and to piece together the many pieces of the puzzle in hopes to create a rough draft of the truth.
We think of you everyday, and are so happy for your new addition, and growing family. With our lives moving forward, we can only hope our paths cross, and families merge. I promise, from the bottom of my heart and soul, you have a place here with us, and another family to love and cherish your amazing son.

All my Love,

Your sons’ Step Mother.

 

Today a very special little boy turns 5! 2 years ago we were in North Carolina celebrating with him. He is a goofy, loving, and kind hearted kid who has been raised well. It is easy to see that he is very loved, and cherished which couldn’t be more amazing. My only wish is for him to know that he has a huge family in the frigid state of Minnesota who also loves and cherishes him. happy birthday sweet boy. I hope all your dreams come true! 

December 29th, 2016

Posted to Facebook

 

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I forgive you for being selfish…

            You’re selfish, and thats okay. We all are, and I forgive you. Most importantly I forgive myself. One thing I have learned while becoming an adult, is that sometimes you HAVE to be selfish in order to be sane. You are important, and it is okay to say NO, or tell it how it is, because ultimately you should come first. Stop dwelling on whose feelings you may hurt, or if they are going to be mad at you. No matter the situation, it is okay to think about your personal needs and accommodate accordingly.

I am a people pleaser, and probably always will be in some ways, however I am learning more and more each day that you can try as hard as you can to please every person involved in your life, but you will NEVER be successful. It will always backfire, and someone will always be unhappy with your choice. The biggest eye opener for me right now is planning my wedding. There is so many people involved, and included on your big day that I find myself thinking of random people and what they may like, and not putting our wants first. Now I know you can twist this topic into many directions, and there is a big difference in being selfish, and being conceited.

Selfish: (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.
“I joined them for selfish reasons”

I do believe it is okay to be selfish, sometimes. I still think there is a boundary line that people cross when you may be self obsessed or self centered, but there is such thing as a healthy dose of owning yourself, and putting yourself first.

Conceited: excessively proud of oneself; vain.

We all know that one person who can’t seem to shut the fuck up about how amazing they are, and how much people love them, or how great their lives are. The world as we know it revolves around that one person, and if you can’t accommodate that, then they want nothing to do with you.
Why am I digging so deep into this do you ask? GREAT QUESTION!
I am so sick of feeling guilty for putting myself, and my needs first. I am a store manager, with a staff who doesn’t seem to realize I like to pretend to have a life outside of work. I have many different situations in my life with family members who are completely self-centerd. I have handfuls of examples but we are accommodating people more then we should, and to top it off we are planning a wedding full of broken families, and certain requests being made daily to help make that one person feel special. FUCK THAT! Finally I’m putting my foot down. I’m sorry, but you haven’t spoken to your son in 3 years, you’re not coming just so you can post about it on Facebook. Oh, my bad, you’re an addict, and haven’t spoken to me in a year after telling me how you truly feel about me, you’re not coming just because it was good between us once upon a time, and I owe you after everything you’ve done for me growing up. Sorry not sorry. It is the one damn day its going to be about me. Now of course, each person is different, and we always have 3 sides to each story. I love each person from the bottom of my heart but todays society is fucking wack. Its about whose done what, and who you know not what you know, forgive and forget but throw it in your face every chance you get, how many likes can you get on a photo posted, what you see in the mirror vs what you actually see, and how can you one up the person next to you.
So, I forgive you for being selfish. I am proud of you for knowing your limits, putting yourself first, and still staying pure and humble in the process. I refuse to let people take advantage of my pleasing needs, and dictate how I feel about something. I may be selfish sometimes, but I know how far I’ve come and that I am a good person deep down. I still cherish people, and would give the shirt of my back to help someone else out. Being selfish isn’t always a bad thing. It’s taking care of you. Now, if you turn that conceited corner, you’re on your own. I think a huge part of this realization, is making those mistakes when you’re fumbling through those awkward stages. I’ll be the first to admit my faults, and own up to my actions. For others, this may not come as easy. I’ve done some pretty shitty things to people I love, while being self centered, and conceited, or young and dumb. I’ve said some hurtful and meaningless things, and lost some pretty great friends along the way. As I look back now, I may not have gotten to where I am today if I didn’t make those mistakes and learn from them.
Balance. It’s life entertaining itself by watching all of us learn how to maintain a health balance. We may never learn the whole method, but I’m glad I can sit back now, 25 years later and know the difference, and continue to better myself. Not just for me, but for those friends and family who deserve the healthiest part of me. Start listening to that little voice in your ear, if you don’t like something, don’t want to do something, or simply just want to tell your true feelings, DO IT. If they don’t like it, fuck um until they learn for themselves.
Balance.
Self centered people always end up with the one they love most, themselves.
Queen K.

We have a diagnosis!

Finally, some answers to what has been going on. So many questions in such a little time, and finally we have a light at the end of the tunnel. I went back and forth with what could be wrong. Am I crazy? Why can’t I just be normal..

PMDD.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD);  causes emotional and physical symptoms, like PMS, but women with PMDD find their symptoms debilitating, and they often interfere with their daily lives, including work, school, social life, and relationships.

Causes

Researchers don’t know the exact cause of PMDD. Most, however, think it may be an abnormal reaction to hormone changes related to your menstrual cycle.

Studies have shown a connection between PMDD and low levels of serotonin, a chemical in your brain that helps transmit nerve signals. Certain brain cells that use serotonin also control mood, attention, sleep, and pain. Hormonal changes may cause a decrease in serotonin, leading to PMDD symptoms.

This disorder in combination with my hormone deficiency causes symptoms similar to bi-polar disorder. Even though I’ve been able to contain most symptoms previously with my hormone supplements, it’s still something I struggle with daily. Mental health is something to take very seriously.

Since my medical journey started, I’ve been taken off of my hormone supplements, to see if my body has regulated itself. This is typically a 4 month process to get final results. March was a rough month, and I experienced a range of the symptoms, testing my strength and faith.

Symptoms

Luckily, I was able to overcome the PMDD during this menstrual cycle, and looking into further help to ensure my health and safety. SO many people go undiagnosed and it could save lives.

 

Mental health is important, and nothing to be ashamed of. Its a disorder, not a decision.

Queen K.

 

*Information on PMDD from webmd.com

Black sheep, black sheep, have you any wool?

Do not cringe and make yourself small if you are the black sheep, the maverick, the lone wolf. Those with slow seeing say the at a nonconformist is a blight on society. But it has been proven over the centuries, that being different means standing at the edge, that one is practically guaranteed to make an original contribution, a useful and stunning contribution to her culture. – Clarissa Pinkola

I’ve always known I was different, not just from my family, but from a lot of the people around me. The last few days has really tested my patience, as well as opened my eyes to some truth. I’ve been through the ringer since starting this blog, and I find writing therapeutic, but I also have had bad luck with social media and not being able to speak my mind without getting called out and put on blast. I’m no longer worried.

My whole goal in this blog is to help me realize it’s okay to be different, it’s okay to speak your mind, and its okay to fight for your beliefs. If the people who love and support you walk way, then they really weren’t their for you in the first place. My goal is to build back up my confidence enough to confront those people who I thought loved me, and stand up for what I believe in.

Stay tuned.

Queen K.

 

 

 

 

 

Diabetes, Cancer, Autoimmune Disease..OH MY! 

I realized I never sat down to write out test results! I am cancer free! This was a huge weight lifted! I don’t have diabetes!!! Another amazing weight lifted. My doctor still wants me to focus on weight loss, and getting back on track with healthy lifestyle! 

I was tested for autoimmune diseases, it runs in my family and Could be the big factor in my symptoms, one big possibility being thyroid disease! After 5 viols of blood, im free of all autoimmune diseases! 
As for my hormones, they are still out of wack. I switched birth control, and will have to go back in to be re-evaluated to be sure my hormone levels are normal. 
Over all, great news. I do feel bit off, but hoping things smooth out soon. 
Queen K. 

Copy Cat

By the title, i’m sure you can assume were i’m going with this.

I hate to even give this additional thought, but considering the situation is leaving me to redo most of my wedding plans to avoid the humiliation, i need a vent session.

With my amazing husband, came his family and friends. Now, everyone has hiccups with in laws and the one friend you just can’t seem to get along with, but this situation is MUCH different. My hubs was a dick back in the day with an ego the size of the solar system. He shipped off to Marine Corps boot camp, went through some baby momma drama, and came home roughly 6 years later more angry and sarcastic then before. Insert not so romantic meet and greet here.

When we finally reached the point of introducing each other to our people, i was a bit nervous, but he seemed more squeamish. Turns out, all of his people seem to believe i was a huge player in his change of character, which made me an instant hit! Yay, no additional impressing work to do on my part! Then came the rings, leaving us with 4 weddings, not including our own, with in a 3 month time frame, and multiple parties overlapping.

I hit it off with the majority of the group, and one friend in particular is engaged to, lets call her Beth, who no one seemed to like. Literally, all friends think he is making the biggest mistake of his life, but no one has said it to him. Beth is the type of gal who will say, or agree with anything you’re talking about to avoid the confrontation. She is two faced, and not easy to get along with, and doesn’t seem to have her own thoughts and opinions. Now i had some similar interests with her to begin with, starting with a few hobbies, so i thought it would be okay to hang out with her, and attempt to play nice. The first few encounters were successful, or so i thought. Then everything backfired. I must mention to make this whole situation make sense, because she isn’t the easiest person to get along with, she doesn’t have many “close” friends and that made me a contender to be a bridesmaid. I made the cut..

I didn’t notice the coping right away. It started with one of the hobbies we share, and moved quickly to other areas. The most recent being one of the biggest days of my life. This i am not okay with.

I was always the girl who thought about my career, and how i was going to make it in such a cruel world. I didn’t daydream about my dream wedding. When it became a reality, i spent hours upon hours on Pinterest researching what i was going to do. My heart landed on a fall wedding, with really elegant settings, simple but very chic. I wanted to stay true to my hubs dress blues attire, and having everything match that pallet. Golds and Navys, with a touch of our personalities.

This seems pretty simple, and one thing i’ve learned is to keep the important stuff to yourself! So far, she has taken my ideas for bridal party shoe attire, which is arguably trendy, but something that connects to me and my man, the bridal parties getting ready outfit, which i had special made and customized, and now is moving in on the flower girls formal wear…

I’m not one to make a huge deal out of this, but considering her wedding i one month before mine, and the invited guest overlap, perception is reality and i will be forced to wear my ideas in a wedding that isn’t my own. That i am not okay with. In fact, i’ve mentioned this to her, with no actual response but the ” i’ve planned this for years but you just executed it faster then i could.”

Thus leading to my new ideas being super top secret, and a shift in things i’ve already purchased. I did my fair share of research! It’s like high school all over again.

 

That’s all i can handle tonight.

For now, Queen K out.

Results are IN! 

My vagina is cancer free at this time!!! Hell yeah! 

With my higher risks to cancer, I’m so relieved! We still have a ways to go with balancing my estrogen levels and ruling out or in diabetes, but getting my biopsy results was a huge cloud over my head. 

Thank you baby Jesus! 

On to my appointment with the specialist Tuesday! Fingers crossed! 

Always, 

Queen K.