A Letter to My Step Sons Mother
I know we don’t talk much, and we’ve only met in person once, but i wanted to reach out to you and see how you are doing. You’re son seems to be doing great. Man, he is getting big, becoming more handsome by the minute, and we sure do miss him. You had your second child 12 days ago.. she’s precious. I know this because i’ve found myself in an unhealthy habit of checking in with you by scrolling through your many Facebook posts, saving pictures of him when I can so that he doesn’t seem so far away, and praying for the courage to reach out to you personally.
I have many questions, questions in which i would love to ask you woman to woman, only with the satisfaction of receiving a honest answer. Maybe thats why i have yet to send that message striking up a casual conversation, because deep down i know if i was honored with a response, it would be far from the truth. So I’ll start here.
I fell in love with your sons’ biological father. I knew of you both before i was even a blimp on your radar. Obviously, he feels different types of ways about your situation, but what you may not know about me is that i am a realist. I understand and accept that each situation has 3 sides. In this particular situation i know there is his side, your side, and the cold hard truth. Typically, most people around our age are entitled, and feel as though everyone owes us something, somewhere, and this holds back from the ability to own our truth and actions. I own the fact that this may not be any of my business, and that i could be jumping over huge boundaries, potentially driving a bigger wedge between your relationship with your sons’ biological father, and the truth. My argument is that on February 12th, i committed my entire life to your ex, and predominately securing my place in his life, and now yours. Technically, giving me a new title i was once so excited to gain, step mom. My life from that day forward is directly effected by your situation, and i have found that recently it is killing me little by little, because i have to bite my tongue and suppress my personality by refraining from speaking my mind.
I don’t feel it is important to go into detail about my husbands side. It is irrelevant. I do want you to know however, he has never spoke ill of you, and continues to stick up for you when his family expresses their frustrations about the current situation we have with you and your son. Actually, after mentioning that, their frustrations are more frequent now a days with the new addition to the family. Thats right, your beautiful son has a cousin! I know you may have seen that on Facebook but he’ll be 2 in July, and is a walking clone of your little guy. They would be so cute to get them next to each other, and watch them interact. I pray for that moment everyday, but don’t worry, i wont hold my breath considering my husband and i are the only 2 people in his family who have met your 5 year old son in person.
There is some bitterness, and jealousy i need to address. I want you to know, i don’t think you are a bad person, or a bad mother. I respect you, and honestly would love to get to know you on a deeper and more personal level, and you to know me. I want to see if we can connect, or even develop some kind of friendship within the crazy mess. Maybe then i can try to understand why you have made the decisions you have. I also understand that a lot can change in 5 years time, and maybe some of the decisions and choices you made back then, would be different now if you were given the chance to re-do some things in your life, and maybe not. That is left to the game of what if. When we met 3 years ago, it was awkward. I was still very new in my husbands world, and i can only imagine how nerve racking it is to have a strange woman walk into the room and into your sons life. With that statement, leaves some pretty hypocritical thoughts in my head. Considering you were married to another man when you became pregnant with your son, and from there we have 2 other guys believing to be father figures in his life, not including my husband, and current active father figure, or step father. I also want to point out that having me walk into his life that day, was only for a 48 hour time frame, because we haven’t seen or spoken to him since.
On our trip, we met your new boyfriend. He is nice, and interacts well with your son. Now he is the biological father to your new addition, and is the active father figure in your sons life now. I think that is great. Another fun fact about me, I was raised by my father and step mother. She took me in, and taught me so much about being an adult, a female, and decent human being teaching me basic daily skills, and providing me with wisdom to reference later in life. She is the reason why i think step parents can be amazing gifts from god in a Childs life. They are people who choose to love a child that isn’t biologically their own, raising them as if they were, and giving them another support system. I wish i could play a role in his life, and that we could partner with you both in raising him. I know i would be a great step mom, and fall more in love with him each day by seeing your updates via social media.
You both are doing a great job. He seems to have a huge heart, and kind presence. Your families truly adore him, and spoil him rotten. I love watching videos of him talking, with his southern accent and wide vocabulary! It does break my soul knowing he has a whole other support system, and family here in the frigid state of Minnesota that he knows nothing about. Why? What was that decision process like? Did you make a list of pros and cons as to why you wouldn’t tell him his biological father, and family lives in Minnesota. You communicate with them via Facebook, and most recently the conversations were more than friendly. Even so much as telling my mother in law you would give him a hug and kiss from her. You also don’t hesitate to provide an address to us around holidays and Christmas, so we can send his gifts. Do you tell him who they are from, or do you say its from you? Is it a control thing? Did you plan to tell him but never found the right time? Why can’t they meet him? We’ve all offered to pay for airfare and hotel rooms for all 4 of you, as well as meals and fun activities. An all expense paid vacation. I understand Minnesota isn’t the prime destination for a vacation, but being you live in Florida, it could be fun! Maybe now that you have your little girl, you will reconsider. I know you have a happy little family with mom, dad, and kiddos, but its 2017 and split families are normal and rewarding. You have 4 extra hands waiting to help you out, and a line of extra babysitters, and supporters. It is 100% possible for your little boy to grow up knowing his has 2 loving fathers, who support him, and can maintain a friendly relationship. Nothing could replace the influence that could leave on him, and i know my husband would never take away your boyfriends role. We are good people, with no other agenda but to love and cherish your son as much as you and your families do.
Each side to a situation runs along the same plot line, but holding different variations of it by how the person processes the information, and ultimately how they react to it. The plot line here is pretty self explanatory. 2 young kids accidentally became pregnant on the first night they spent together. Not knowing what to do, or how to handle that big life change is where your perceptions changed, and split at the fork in the road. You stayed together for some time, and my husband was able to be an active role during his infant years. I know those years replay in his mind every day. From there, things changed for the worst for us. Decisions where made, and time has past that we will never get back. Words were exchanged, and feelings were crushed. Fast forward 5 years, and we get to watch an amazing little human grow through social media behind our computer and phone screens. The memories we have are limited, and for some of us just pigments of our imagination. You are one lucky mom. You get to have 100% of his memories up until this point of his life. Your boyfriend, and father to your children is a good man, and even though it may not mean much to you, i appreciate him. WE appreciate him. Your families are amazing and the best around, spoiling him, and letting him know every single day that he is an amazing kid and most importantly that he is loved. That is a true blessing.
I may be crossing a line, and this may come off as bitchy and nosey in some cases, but my main goal is to know why. I want to know why it got to this point, and if there is anything we can do to change the situation. His best interest is top priority, but keeping us a secret isn’t fair. We have so much love for you and your entire family, and we just want a small slice of what amazing moments you get to experience with him. I am not robbing your of your feelings, or hardships with in the situation because in a sense you were a single mom. I’m sure you’ve had moments of anger and frustration, but here is your time to explain those feelings and decisions. I want you to know this is a non judgmental opportunity to speak your peace if you wish, level set with me, and hopefully we can come to a mutual understanding. An understanding that probably wont change the situation over night, if at all, but ultimately opens the doors of communication. I know you update my husband when he messages you weekly, and fill him in on your sons current obsessions and hobbies. He worries not only about him, but you as well. He has such love and respect for you still to this day, and i hope you recognize that. Why update him and fill him in, but keep him from us at the same time? Is it in hopes we wont go to court? Keep your friends close, enemies closer? In all custody cases, what most of the problems boil down to are child support, and emotional well being. Right now, emotionally he probably wouldn’t handle all this news at once, and I’m aware of the financial status, and agreements you both made, and both failed to follow through on, so taking all of those excuses off the table.
I don’t know if you will ever read this, or if you will even care about it. I pray you do, and i pray that someday things will change. Please remember if you ever need anything, we are here. I am here. I keep my phone on, in hopes one day you reach out, even if it is for something small. There are so many questions running through my head, and i just want to know your side for no other reason but to try and understand. To be an additional outlet if you choose to use it, and to piece together the many pieces of the puzzle in hopes to create a rough draft of the truth.
We think of you everyday, and are so happy for your new addition, and growing family. With our lives moving forward, we can only hope our paths cross, and families merge. I promise, from the bottom of my heart and soul, you have a place here with us, and another family to love and cherish your amazing son.
All my Love,
Your sons’ Step Mother.
Today a very special little boy turns 5! 2 years ago we were in North Carolina celebrating with him. He is a goofy, loving, and kind hearted kid who has been raised well. It is easy to see that he is very loved, and cherished which couldn’t be more amazing. My only wish is for him to know that he has a huge family in the frigid state of Minnesota who also loves and cherishes him. ❤ happy birthday sweet boy. I hope all your dreams come true!
December 29th, 2016
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